I like to refer to it as awkward limbo. The stage between talking to somebody for two months consistently and choosing to make things official.
In awkward limbo, the honeymoon stage is in full effect. Because you’re both still trying to impress the other the chemistry between both of you can be noticed across the restaurant dining room on your casual date night.
The problem with living in limbo is that it starts to get to your head.
After a while, you wonder if putting all your eggs in this basket is the smartest idea. What if you put your heart and soul into this basket, only to lift and it find out the bottom wasn’t attached?
Your eggs come crashing down and life becomes a metaphorical mess that you’re stuck cleaning up.
If you are living in this limbo and starting to get the stress bug-read this now.
You are living in the future.
As Buddha says, if you are stressed out you are in the future. You are no longer in the present moment.
In the present moment, everything is okay. Your limbo either makes perfect sense because you realize that defining things would be the wrong thing to do right now, or you feel okay about walking away if he’s not ready for the commitment that you are. There are no concerns for if things don’t work out because in the present moment you know that all is meant to be.
This is a major life lesson that when learned early can transform your life into a spectacular journey versus a painful suffering.
You can bring this notion of the present moment into your everyday life. Feeling rushed for time? You’re in the future. Feeling guilty and resentful? Your mind is in the past.
Knowingly you can do nothing about either of these places. Your past lies before your current limbo and your future ahead of it. You can only physically control today, right here and right now.
Let’s bring this into other life scenarios:
Career. If you don’t like your career and are consistently stressed out about it-this is your sign that you are thinking too far in your future. Your mind is solely focused on what is to come if you stay at this job and because of that you no longer think about this present moment. The days will pass you by and you’ll dig yourself into a bigger rut. Take yourself out of the future, into the present and ask yourself, “What can I do today so that in six months I do not have this problem anymore?”.
Relationships. This spans across all relationships in your life not just the connections with significant others. If you have trouble talking to your sister or brother, your thoughts are in the past. You are remembering something about this relationship that hurt you previously and so you are holding on to it, refusing to let it go even though there is not a single action that could be taken to reprimand the damage in real time. Let it go. Ask yourself, “How do I make myself feel okay about this situation?”
Money. You will always notice people who are stressed out about money and you at one point will be one. If you’re stressed out about it what does that tell you? You are too focused on your future situation. Instead bring your focus to this present moment. Reflect and think, “What can I do today to make myself more money tomorrow?”.
You shouldn’t stay in awkward limbo if it’s not right for you, but before going all in on commitment or walking away it’s important to connect the dots and make certain that you are in the present moment.
What I’ve come to realize is that in the present moment, almost everything is okay. Your life is in full control because you are awake to the fact that right here and right now is the only thing you can control. This is a beautiful insight.
Take the weight off your shoulders and embrace the idea that this moment is the only relevant moment of your life. Refuse to let the future whisper in your ear and tell you that you should be feeling emotions that are totally unnecessary. Stay present and focused in relationships, your aspirations and your financial situation and life will flow you to your own personal oasis.
I think high school sweethearts are cliche. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing to meet someone in your high school years that you connect with so much that you go on to marry them and create a beautiful family. That’s rare and special for sure, but for me there’s such a strong feeling residing within myself that my twenties are meant for me to be single and alone. Yes, alone.
There’s a power that grows within you when you’re single in your twenties. You can call it a feeling or an intuition, but whatever it is I know that it’s important.
I’ve been in relationships before, great ones at that. Perfect relationships that I ended because of this feeling. It’s like an itch that I can’t scratch, a trust that I have to have with the universe that I’ll sacrifice now to reap the benefits later.
Some days a sacrifice is really what it feels like. Things can get lonely and you crave that companion to share your life with. Relationships are exhilarating and passion is something you can only wish to ever be able to fully describe with words. There are days where I wonder why I didn’t get the chance to meet my high school sweetheart and then call everything else quits…then I remember these 7 things.
I’m not sure everyone is aware of it when it happens, but when you get into a relationship something within you closes down. You’re obsessed with your new partner and you prioritize them over other experiences. I’ve done it myself and watched my friends miss out on once in a lifetime experiences because they chose to stay in with their boyfriend for a night. There’s a beauty in both sides (staying in with him for the night or going out and experiencing something special) but I strongly believe our twenties are meant for the latter. This is the prime time to be meeting new people and learning about the world and none of that can be done from the comforts of my couch.
This is finely interweaved with how natural it is to stay open to new people and experiences when you are single. When you have no where else to be, suddenly incredible places to be appear. You say yes to trips you wouldn’t have gone on without your boyfriend and you meet new people with insane connections because you were able to talk to them without feeling guilty. In my opinion the experiences that being single can bring me are tenfold of those that a relationship can bring me right now, and this is proven to me daily.
It’s a lot easier to skip out on going out to eat or spending money on tickets for two when you’re single. I’ve found that being in a relationship can be pricey, because going to dinner can add up and having to buy two tickets to the movies is expensive these days. When I’m single, my money is my money and I don’t have to worry about covering anybody else but myself and I personally love that. It’s given me the ability to save enough for a trip to Europe and multiple trips to the U.S. east coast.
My time is my time.
Ahhh, I think is my favorite part of being single. I love being in charge of my time. I have no obligations to drive to see anybody or to spend the night somewhere because it’s my turn to stay at their house. I get to sleep where I want, when I want. I get to do what I want, when I want. The freedom to live my day completely and totally for me is something special to me at this point in my life. When kids and husband come into play, I’ll be craving this time so for now I’m cherishing every second.
My choices effect me and me only
I’m kind of a ballsy woman. I packed up and moved halfway across the country because I just felt like it and I have plans to go and travel the world next year. That being said, I need to be able to make big decisions like this without thinking of the effect they’ll have on anyone else. If I was with someone right now I’d have to take their feelings and thoughts into account and I’d be accounting for them as much as I am for me. This is the time, like I said earlier, for me to do what I want, when I want. I don’t want to argue about it I want to just go out and do it. It’s nice to know that there’s no guilt behind my decisions because I’m the only one they’re really effecting.
My opinions are mine. Your twenties are about discovering yourself.
Learning and growing into the thirty year old that you’ll be. For me, I want to keep my mind to myself, allowing it to blossom without the opinion of a significant other. I want to create the habit of forming my own thoughts and opinions on subject matters. I thrive for intelligent conversations and the ability to talk politics, and I’m proud to say that everything I say is a formation of what I think and not what my significant other does. My mind has become my own, and I believe that to be one of my greatest assets.
I’ve learned to fall in love with myself.
Okay I lied, this is my favorite because everything else aside from this is what really matters. Now some people are really damn good at falling in love with themselves while in a relationship but for the rest of us, being single is necessary so that we have the openness, experiences, money, time, choices, and opinions that are vital in discovering yourself and so forth falling in love with yourself. The world would be an incredibly different place if every human had learned the importance of falling in love with themselves before anybody else. By loving yourself you create an immediate calmness within you that means you don’t fight with your friends or family, you become a genuinely nice person, and you wake up happy. You’re not afraid to stand up for yourself and what is right. Loving yourself is the root of all happiness and it is so much fun to fall in love with yourself when you’re single. It’s a learning curve and the road can be a bit bumpy, but now that I’ve learned how to love myself first and somebody else second I’m realizing exactly what love is and how to best love somebody else (when the time is right). I’ve learned the importance of listening to hear and not just to respond, that the world does not revolve around me, and that at the same time I am an important piece of the puzzle. This right here, is powerful stuff.
Let me reiterate-some people are meant to have relationships in their twenties and that’s awesome and cool within itself. This is the opinion of somebody who knows that being single in her twenties is destiny. That this time will be so much more magical if she holds off and lives for herself and only herself for the next few years.
With more of my twenties to go, I can’t fathom the growth that will come from staying single. I know my next relationships will be incredible because of all this time I have spent on myself now, but until then I’m going to sit back, relax, and have the time of my life.
I’ve come to despise the pain that you feel in your heart when you know that a once incredible and beautiful love has come to an end. It’s that overwhelming stinging that takes over your chest, makes your short of breath and always shouts to me, “Never again!”.
So I listened.
For a year and a half I listened to that voice and stayed as far away from any love interest as possible. I talked to a few guys here and there but only when I knew that there was no potential for me to fall head over heels for them.
I figured this would keep me safe. If I kept my heart caged and locked, there was no way that I could ever be hurt again right?
The opposite actually happened.
One and a half years after my last break up, 547 days of forcing myself to be single and I’m realizing that the tables had turned-i was the one bringing this stinging feeling upon myself.
For the past 78 weeks I have told myself that I was not allowed to fall for anybody. If a guy gave me butterflies, I walked away immediately.
Guess what happened?
I felt lonely. I started to feel like I didn’t have the value that I use to. Most importantly, I forgot how much I love to love.
I have woken up to this realization and I have come to the conclusion that it is time to let it go.
It is time to let go of this fear of being hurt because what stands outside of this cage that I’ve built for myself is the potential for something beautiful. Maybe it last less than a month but at the end of the day I can say that I took the risk and I had fun.
What happens when our hearts break is that we start to take love too seriously, we see it as a danger.
Unfortunately I can’t promise myself or you that this advice won’t cause future pain but I can promise that it will be the time of your life.
I can tell you that when you let go of the fear of being hurt and embrace the idea of letting love be fun, an entirely new world opens up to you.
You realize that you do have value and that you don’t have to be lonely. You find that there is so much to learn from these experiences and that one day they will mold who you are as a significant other.
Yes, that sh*t will most likely hurt again. Tears will be shed and I might feel a sense of regret but in the end what I gained from the experience of falling in love will be ten fold of what I lost from having to walk away from it.
This is your sign to open the cage that holds your heart and to let it fly free, allowing it to lead you freely to the exact person that’s meant for you.
Lately life has been teaching me some valuable lessons.
I’ve learned that I am the one in charge of creating the life that I want to live, that learning and growth should never stop, and that my failures are actually my biggest successes.
I spend most of my time painfully learning these lessons. I usually stumble around for a bit before I realize that life is presenting me with an opportunity to learn a new way of thinking or another way of getting what I want.
My toughest lesson lately has been my perspective on relationships. As I build my own business and I grow into the woman that I want to be, I’ve started to wonder what kind of man I’m going to end up with.
I’m hardworking, spontaneous and my fears are diminishing by the second. I’m growing stronger and more capable than I have ever been and I am starting to sense that it is going to take an even stronger man to be able to keep up with me.
Months have gone by since I have had a conversation with a man that really sparked me. You know the conversations that you have that you can’t stop thinking about for days? The people that you can text back and forth with for weeks at a time without ever running out of things to say?
I haven’t had that in quite some time and it set off an alarm in my mind.
Cue Jessie James Decker.
Clearly this girl knows what she is talking about when it comes to love. Her marriage is the epitome of goals and she’s somebody that I will listen to when she gives advice on dating and relationships.
As I started to worry about the future of my love life, I stumbled upon a video where she told an incredible story.
Jessie talked about a previous relationship with a man who treated her poorly and what happened on the plane ride home after she had finally called it quits with him.
“I pulled my computer out and I started writing a letter. I said, ‘I know my soulmate is out there and this is what I’m looking for.’ I was as specific and detailed as I could be about exactly what my soulmate was about. If you read it today I promise you, you would say to me, ‘you wrote this after you met Eric!’ I swear to you I didn’t”.
I watched the video twice to make sure that it resonated with me and then I embraced the lesson that life had just put smack dab in front of me.
If you want something, you have to put focus on it. When Jessie wrote down all of the things that she wanted in her soulmate, she shifted her focus to look for those qualities in a man. She essentially told HERSELF what it took in her mind for a man to be a qualified contender to be her husband.
Most importantly, she sent that energy out into the world.
We’re all familiar with the law of karma, what goes around comes around. When Jessie created that list of characteristics that she wished for in a man she performed the first step of karma, she put it out there.
The second step was for Eric to come knocking at her door.
As incredible of a tool as this is to use for our love lives, we can also put it into every other aspect of our lives.
If we want a certain career, lifestyle, friendship, material item, anything that we could desire-we can help bring it towards us by writing down exactly what we want from it.
Listening to Jessie give out her love advice reminded me that for years I have been writing about what type of life I wanted. I wrote that I wanted to travel and that I wanted to love the work that I did with all of my heart.
Right now, I am doing all of those things.
I have lived and proven this beautiful lesson disguised as the story of her finding her soulmate.
Sitting back now, I’m no longer scared. I know that when I’m ready I’ll make my own list of qualities that I want in a man and I’ll do my part for “karma” and send out that energy.
Sometimes our life lessons don’t have to be painful. If you want something in your life, write it down. Talk to people about what you want. Believe that it’s coming to you and then wait patiently for your very own Eric to knock on your doorstep, flowers in hand.
You’ve had that chat with someone before. You know which chat I’m talking about. The one that you look over your shoulder to see if anyone else could read the words. The same chat that made you smile more than you have in years. That awesome feeling when someone calls you sunshine, sweetheart or sexy. Yes, we all remember that chat.
The flirting leading up to more can be exhilarating and thrilling. The little texts and the chats all lead up to more contact. Remember the rush of excitement and the twinges during your online flirting? How many of you can honestly say that phone sex evolved? If you said no, then you are lying. Either you had phone sex or masturbated during or after the chat, or better yet, you did both. That just heightened the moment and the upcoming meeting.
So you have been chatting it up with a new friend and you really want to meet the person. It may be a friend of a friend, an old high school acquaintance or even someone on this dating website. No matter how you came in contact with this person, you know eventually all this talk leads to meeting in person. It seems with all the social networking site that have boomed over the last decade and helped people connect, one of the biggest reconnection seems to be old classmates. Someone you may have had a crush on, but never acted on.
So how do you know when it’s time to meet up?
Have you checked his or her profile, family and ‘about me’ section? Do they have family member connections? Are they involved in groups you are comfortable with? Do they chat on their main profile page and all seems appropriate? If you can answer yes to all these questions, you should be feeling fairly comforted and at ease about setting up a public meeting. Even if this person is someone from your past, things and people do change; so make sure you check their history.
What happens when you do meet up?
One sentence answers that question. Whatever you both have agreed to. If you discuss coffee, then a trip to the local coffee house is in order. Dinner and a movie? You get the idea.
But if you have a full desire to meet and ‘hook-up’, then both of you must be on the same page. Saying things in text and in chats are one thing (ex. all the dirty talk, innuendos), but meeting in person can be totally different. So make sure you have all the plans laid out clearly. Don’t leave a single thought left unsaid.
Remember, the more you have online contact and the more sex talk, the more chances you will be meeting for a private rendezvous. Live your fantasy from days gone by, be free with your sexuality and enjoy the moment.
“We were either going to go different ways or help each other grow to our fullest potential.”
A friend of mine told me the story of how he and his high school girlfriend decided if staying together in college was the best choice for them.
Both of them were nervous that they might be wasting some of the best times of their lives by staying together yet neither wanted to let go.
What happens when you’re questioning a relationship-not because of internal issues but because you’re scared you’re missing out?
As I talked to my friend about how he and his wife (spoiler alert) met, his words hit me like a ton of bricks.
Sometimes relationships are perfect. Maybe perfect is even an understatement. Yet we question if we are doing the right thing. Are we wasting our twenties by being in a relationship? Are we missing out on something bigger? Let’s be serious, nobody wants to FOMO.
When my friend told me that he and his (then) girlfriend sat down right before they headed to college and told each other that there were only two routes that could be taken-I realized that they had found the secret.
They had found the necessary conversation and connection that needed to be said between a couple that is wondering if being together is wrong JUST because of their current age and circumstances.
They both loved each other and neither wanted to separate but both needed to touch upon this questioning feeling-and by doing it together they did exactly what they had hoped for.
They grew together.
They’re now married and work in the same office.
By laying out the truth in their relationship during a pivotal point in their lives they were able to be free to be themselves. Their relationship was based on an honesty and truth that too many try to hide from.
When they both opened up and said, “I know that we might be missing out on something-but as long as we are each helping each other to grow upwards then this is something that is worth it to me.” they did something powerful for themselves and each other.
They put themselves first and the other second.
As they walked into their freshman year of college, they had no idea that they had just set the precedent of their relationship. This couple had created an open communication line with each other. They had looked each other in the eye and kindly said, “If this isn’t helping me reach my best potential, then we know this isn’t the right thing.”
There was no blow out fight or a single tear shed.
It made me realize the importance of this conversation for anybody in a long term relationship.
This couple showed each other that if this relationship at all held them back that it was okay with each other to walk away and with those words it brought them together.
They were able to become each other’s rock and each other’s best friend. They were able to grow together, learn together, make mistakes together, and experience life together.
It’s our job to look out for ourselves as well as those that we love. If there’s anything that life has taught me it is that by looking out for yourself YOU ARE looking out for the ones that you love. You are creating inner peace and a love within yourself that you are then able to sprinkle out into the world.
We can be straight forward and avoid all of the unnecessary conversation “spam” just by talking with our partners and creating that open communication.
When we’re honest with our partners, we can be honest with ourselves and vice versa.
I told my friend how incredible it was that at such a young age they had made such a mature decision.
He looked at me with a huge smile and said,
“She shaped me into the person I am today. That conversation ended up turning out really well.”
I remember when my husband & I had to attend our compulsory ‘pre marriage’ counselling session in order to be married in a beautiful little church I found and fell in love with. I remember feeling ‘quite the student’ sitting down, back straight, being spoken to about marriage and how it was inevitable we would have many ups and downs to face in the years ahead including the ‘seven year itch’. As I walked away from that meeting, I remember thinking, I love this man so much, is it possible I won’t feel the same in only 7 years time?
The ‘seven year itch’ is a term some refer to as a time where the love and happiness between a couple takes a downward turn. But if it’s at the seven year mark can’t we just enjoy married life in the meantime and mark it in our Google Calendar to prepare us a few months before hand? Nope… Is anyone immune to this? Of course… and what do we do if we start to get itchy? Well…The seven year (or thereabouts) is the likely timeframe because generally speaking at this time we know pretty much everything about our partners. We have been through the ‘getting to know you’ ‘butterflies in my stomach’ stage, the ‘honeymoon’ phase, life was content a few years ago, but today it’s the same as it was yesterday. You may begin to question, where has the fun ‘us’ gone? And if there are kids in the mix, well…a fun weekend has an entirely new meaning, the budget (oh yes there is a budget now) is different too, sleep…what is that? and its likely (highly likely) that sleeping with your partner is exactly that ‘sleeping’… hopefully for your sake in a deep sleep to block out the snoring of your partner and two little kids who are taking up just enough bed space to leave you to balance your body on the very edge of what was once your side of a very comfortable bed. Life changes, but if we get stuck looking back at the past, it becomes very easy to forget to appreciate the present.
I have to admit, having seen a snippet of the previews, I was really looking forward to watching channel sevens new reality show “Seven Year Switch” and although it’s only early days, it certainly has me hooked. The show follows four couples whose relationships are (putting it nicely) in a rough patch and they just don’t know how to get back to where they used to be. As the weeks progress will see the couples separate and switch spouses/partners to a partner who perhaps is a little more like them in terms of their personality.
I don’t know about you, call me crazy (many others have I’m sure) but if you and your partner are close to calling it quits, down to your last attempt before its all over, doesn’t the concept of sending your partner away on a break to a beautiful home (spa and all) with another well suited woman sounds slightly insane?
Well it is a social experiment after all because as far as I am aware I can’t find any feature in advanced search to add a new ‘like minded’ beau to my water view holiday house booking so where does that leave the rest of us? What can we do to stop that scratching the minute we start to itch? Surely if no one has come up with some kind of ointment by now, maybe we better get back to basics and consider this; try to stop looking back at what you were as an individual and what you were as a couple years ago. Life has changed now and so it should, embrace it and look forward to the future. Find happiness within yourself and try not to dwell on what you used to do or look like, it doesn’t make sense to be what we were five or ten years ago, otherwise we wouldn’t grow as people. Keep positive and seek comfort in knowing that no married couple will ever tell you that marriage is easy.
Here’s what I’ve learned from over a year of being single.
This is where the magic happens.
In one year of being single I have:
Barcelona Rome New Orleans (For Mardi Gras!) Las Vegas Chicago, IL Colorado Miami, FL
In one year of being single I have:
Found what my passion is Created a personal brand and blog off of my passions Built an online following Started a brand new career in the industry of my dreams
In one year of being single I have:
Figured out how to make me happy.
This post is for the girl who is feeling disheartened. Confused as to why love always seems to miss her but hit everyone else. The girl that is wondering if it’s her and that’s why nobody is around.
This is bigger than that.
If you’re feeling down and out about being single, decide today that in the best way possible it’s happening because it’s meant to be.
What happens when you’re single? You’re automatically more open to new life experiences, you have no choice but to become your own best friend, and you learn what it takes to make yourself happy every single day.
Of course you can do all of these things while in a relationship, but for me it’s without question that I have been single so that I would put my full force and energy into me and not somebody else.
In one year of being single I have learned how to make myself so undeniably happy that nobody could take it away from me. It’s a habit that I have created that when I bring it into my next relationship, it will make this one insanely special.
In one year of being single, I have started to build the career of my dreams. I have made these decisions and big moves all on my own. I have failed and tried again. I have succeeded and celebrated. I have learned that on my own, I can make sh*t happen and if I’m to do date anyone in the future he must be capable of the same skill set.
In one year of being single, I have focused on friendships that will last a lifetime. By being single I have been able to so strongly prioritize my friends and family that I have been able to create such tight knit relationships with people that will be in my life forever. With my energy only focused on those I love, I have been able to be present with all of my friends during good and bad times. I have been able to say yes on a whim to a trip to Colorado after a guy burned one of my friends pretty badly. I’ve been able to be the great friend that I strive to be.
This is the magic that I was talking about.
The magic of having all of this extra time, energy, and money (that would have gone into a relationship) that when allocated to new places of your life creates sparks.
It creates a movement within you and everything happening around you. It changes you. It grows you. It makes you become you.
If you’re feeling down and out about being single-fret no more. This is your time to make things happen for yourself. This is your time to make yourself happy. This is your time to say yes to everything and anything that sounds fun. This is your time to take risks.
Realize the potential magic that you hold in the moment, and then make moves with it. Travel. Find your passions. Live to your fullest potential. Let it resonate with you the freedom and ability that you have right now. Enjoy it while it’s here.
After you have mastered the art of making yourself happy and being an independent entity, you’ll realize that you are now at the top of almost any guys “who I want to date” list.
You’ll have a power that not everybody has. You’ll have the power of being so unapologetically and happily you that that energy alone will have men dazed.
So stop being worried about being single and start using it as a time for incredible growth and movement. Use it as a platform to get yourself from Point A to Point B and remember to look back in a few months and realize just how far you’ve come.