I can’t lie it kind of scares me that the term “honeymoon phase” is so widely known. To me that means that it is such a real thing that almost every person above twenty (or even slightly under) has experienced it.
I know I have. And I know you have.
As twenty something year old women most of us have been in a relationship that started with fireworks and ended with a serious burn out. It sucked.
When I look back on this particular relationship in my life I’ve realized that it wasn’t him at all that caused the lack of fireworks-it was totally and completely me.
I know it sounds harsh but I’ve come to terms and I now understand that I let the fireworks go, it was me that let the fluff of the honeymoon phase die down and then stay down.
First off let me say: it’s okay. It’s okay that I subconsciously let that happen and it’s okay if you did too. It. is. okay. Why?
We weren’t ready. We weren’t there.
We weren’t able to recognize that the all of the fun fluff that comes with the honeymoon phase (like constantly wanting to be around each other, texting all the time, not being able to get enough of each other) was simmering out and all we had to do was consciously keep it going instead of allowing ourselves to get used to our partner.
When things start to become predictable we lose our interest. We’re not as intrigued by their text messages when we know their personality so well that we can almost answer for them. We’re not as keen to go out of our way to stay at their house when we have work early in the morning. We know that physically they are always there so there’s no need for that constant lust.
This is exactly what I meant by I wasn’t ready and I certainly wasn’t there. I didn’t know that these warning signs were signs at all-I just thought that this is what was happening in my relationship and that there was no way to stop it.
Now that I’m ready and now that I’m there, I cannot even put into words how wrong I was.
There I was thinking I couldn’t stop it when realistically I was the one that was catalyzing it and making it worse.
Looking back on that relationship has made me grow so much as a person and as a girlfriend. There are three VITAL lessons that I will always take with me from watching a beautiful, loving relationship turn into something platonic and predictive.
How often have you heard couples that have been married for 25+ years say, “it takes a lot of work.” If this is a relationship you are serious about then put the work into it early by being observant when anything starts to get too platonic or not spontaneous. Set your inner big red alarm to go off when you realize that you are getting bored and then veer off course (with your partner in the passenger seat) and make a proactive action to stop things from becoming boring. Go somewhere for the weekend, take a walk together, cook dinner together, do something that you have never done before to spark your interest back in your partner. You’ll remember all of their tiny characteristics that made you fall for them in the first place.
This doesn’t just mean sex. This means small kisses on their shoulder, holding their hand in the car, hugging them randomly, showing affection in anyway that makes them know that you are dead set on them and everything they have to offer you. Men are very responsive to physical touch and when it comes down to it they’re very emotional and want to feel your love for them. Guess what kind of karma comes back from you showing your affection physically? Them making sure you feel their love for you.
Keep doing all the little things that you enjoyed in the beginning.
For example, ordering lunch to their work, giving them a late night massage, buying them a spontaneous present, surprising him with the Redbox he’s been talking about wanting to see, all of the little things that made for the loving vibes in the beginning. This goes hand in hand with staying observant-it’s your job to make sure that you don’t let these little acts of kindness slip away as time goes on. Five years into your relationship you still want to be doing these little things for him so that your man receptively continues doing the little things for you.
I keep talking about there and this is what I mean by it-when you as a girlfriend or spouse are ready and understanding of the importance of these three actions in your relationship.
It takes time and if you’re not there it’s not a bad thing, AT ALL. It took me years to find myself in a place where I can confidently say, I know I would be ready and able to take on the responsibility of loving someone and making sure that they always feel that love. Let your life’s course play out at it’s own pace.
Take these actions as a secret guide to maintaining a healthy and loving relationship so that one day together we can wipe out the phrase “honeymoon phase” and the entirety of our relationship will be filled with love, lust, and beauty.